Thursday, June 27
Yosef, in town from California, met me at the Kabbalah Center this morning.
“I feel like I’m falling down a lot,” I told him. “My thoughts and emotions toward JB, they’re not God-like, and I’ve been beating myself up.
“That’s typical,” Yosef said. “We are human. The bar constantly changes. There are always new challenges. The more spiritually fit we get, the greater the challenges become. I’m moving back to Israel and you’ll be getting a new teacher.”
My heart sank. I walked out of Yosef’s office and passed Mac on his way in. Mac was going to be told the same thing. He and I got to be friends during Good Morning Kabbalah classes. I like Mac. I like his company. It feels like he may be romantically interested in me and while I’m not romantically interested in him, I’m trying to stay open to it. It’s weird considering guys as possible love interests. Angie was in the lobby waiting for me and we went out for brunch.
“I’ve been in a funk over a guy I’ve been dating,” Angie said glumly. “He seems interested but not interested at the same time.”
“Like Golf Guy," I said. "I met him after a Good Morning Kabbalah class and thought it was a sign.” I laughed. “I’m pretty sure he’s not good for me. Maybe he’s on my path to teach me discernment, listen to my gut. It’s just, I’m physically attracted to him and I’m not attracted to that many guys. I don’t know. There’s not much I do know these days.”
I wrote for a while then checked email.
“Brenda,” JB wrote.
“I hope you and the boys have a great week up in Minocqua. I'll plan on picking up Tom sometime in the morning on the 6th. Will confirm the day before.
“I hope one day soon we can sit down and talk.
“I believe bringing peace back to this family will be good for all of us. I want to find a way to get there. There is no getting around that this will require a combination of my humility and your forgiveness.
“I am working on being a kinder and more empathetic person. I am trying to be honest, which isn't easy when I have so much to be ashamed of. But I know that I need to stop lying to myself and others. I also understand that selfishness and narcissism were at the root of my behavior, and these qualities are a part of me as well. I need to confront and manage them every day. I don't want to be the person who destroyed our marriage and family.
“You need to believe that my desire to make amends is sincere. I am open to your suggestions on what you require to forgive me.
“Please think this over.”
I don’t want to sit down with JB and talk to him. I want to be done with him. I saddled up BlackJack and rode in the woods. It was dusk when we turned back and the fireflies were out. Jack and I galloped through the green glowing luminaries. It was magnificent.
“How are u?” Golf Guy texted as I was getting ready for bed.
“Galloped through the fireflies on the trail tonight. Pure magic. The stuff you live for, you know? How are you?”
“That's amazing! You must have loved it.”
“The church of Brenda.”
“You have a good day?”
“Long but good...worked straight from 7-8:30.”
“Wow. Exhausted or wired right now?”
“How did u know...both What are u up (sic) this weekend?”
“Going to Minocqua with the boys. Coming back the 5th. What are you doing next weekend?”
“No plans yet”
“Want to do something before I fly to NC to hang out in the mountains with the shaman?”
“What should we do?”
“Okay. What else?”
“I was joking, whatever you want”
“Maybe play nine holes at Strawberry Creek, then dinner?”
“I'd love that. Saturday or Sunday?”
Bet he cancels.