“As for our separation, I'm grateful for a few extra days at home (I hope this email doesn't change that). While living with Troy I will figure out a longer term arrangement, I'd rather it be in the burbs. I want to be as close to home as possible. That's really important to me. I'm investigating things.
“I will respect boundaries and not make unannounced appearances or anything of the kind. If you have other ground rules, we can discuss them. But I want to see Tom as often as I can, and Blake when he's home. I hope the kids don't end up hating me. That would be unbearable. I also want to have an opportunity to gradually repair our relationship to the degree possible. I still hope for eventual reconciliation, which I know will be difficult to earn. I know you would say impossible. At the very least I hope for eventual healing. Together or separated, I hope we can find peace and solace as the parents of two amazing boys, who have spent the better part of our lives together, yes with good and bad times, but lots of good. I love you very much and I am in agony over the mess I've made and the pain I've caused and am about to cause.
“I plan to focus in the coming weeks on improving my health and taking an inventory of my life. And getting back on top of my game professionally.
“I know it's said that people can't or don't change. In a sense that is true. But I believe people can improve, become more self aware, change their lifestyle and their behavior. They can become more sensitive, spiritual and present. That's the journey I am planning. Intentions are cheap. You can judge the outcome a few months down the road.
“The only request I have, as I said yesterday, is please don't move too quickly to file for divorce. I am assuming you are already getting advice, which you should be. I have not yet talked to anyone. I hope we can let the separation happen for a while and then take it from there. I want to support your effort to finish your book, and I don't want you to have to make any big sacrifices right now. I'm looking into ways I can perhaps increase/supplement my income, though haven't come up with anything just yet.
“As for what we tell Tom, I've given it some thought. We should talk about that directly. I would like to have a father-son night with him Saturday if that's OK wit (sic) you. I cry every time I think about telling him."
“About a decade ago... I had a one night stand.” JB infected me with HPV a year ago. “secrets mostly fall into the category of, ‘why didn’t you just tell me?’” No. They don’t. “I have been hiding some debt.” More, I suspect. “. . . sensitive, spiritual and present. That’s the journey I am planning.” JB smirked whenever I spoke of spiritual matters. “… I think the only thing that matters right now is getting to honesty.” Not much honesty here. I read JB’s email again. I read it a third time. I started shaking. My breathing got short and shallow. I felt like I was flying apart. I saw myself lifting a shotgun and blowing JB’s head off.
(To Be Continued)
(To Be Continued)