Wednesday, January 2
I met Tanya for coffee. “I would have bet my life that JB was faithful and honest,” I told her. “I should have known better. I should have known JB was capable of doing what he did. He’s passive-aggressive, a coward. I feel like a moron. I hate feeling stupid.”
“Passive-aggressive people are masters of deception,” Tanya said. “They’re really good at holding up a façade. You knew something was wrong. You felt it. You just didn’t know what it was.”
“I thought I was a good judge of character,” I laughed. “I believed I read people well. What a joke. Guess I thought far too much of myself. I don’t trust myself anymore. That feels bad. Horrible. The best I’ve come up with is I have to stop rationalizing and explaining away uncomfortable gut instincts. And I’m not going to tell myself I’m a bitch for having negative feelings towards people who make me feel bad. I’m going to start looking at why I feel bad and uncomfortable around certain people.”
“Does JB have any spiritual beliefs?” Tanya asked.
“He’s lost, soulless. It’s all about him. It’s not about you.”
I liked the idea of JB being soulless. Are sociopaths wired to have souls they can't hear? Is JB a sociopath? How could I have chosen him for a partner? It doesn’t speak well of me, or where I was twenty-one years ago when we got married.